Snarky Little Bride

Ladies, have you heard? Victoria’s Secret has launched a new wedding line! To my knowledge, it does not involve Heidi Klum parading down the runway in low-cut wedding dresses two weeks after giving birth. Actually, it does not even involve new lingerie. All the store appears to have done is filtered most of its white teddies, edible cosmetics, and the occasional French maid costume into one handy location on its web site.

I first got wind of this exciting news on Jezebel (no surprise there), whose writers are bemused by the collection’s apparel as well as its somewhat pedophilic-sounding name, “Sexy Little Bride.” But to me, the name perfectly captures that dichotomous Virginal Sexpot lurking within all you ladies, just desperate to be unleashed on your wedding night!

Below is a sampling of the collection’s highlights:

Is it a Halloween costume? A really short petticoat? OH! I get it – you’re supposed to wear this AFTER the reception is over. You know, because there’s nothing you would rather do after taking off your wedding dress that you wore all day than put on another, more abbreviated wedding dress that your new husband can rip off! After he stops laughing.

I’m confused again. Are these masks part of a kinky routine? Or are they meant to be sleep aids for pre-wedding jitters or the honeymoon plane ride? If so, maybe white was not the best choice. Hmm. I’m going to go with Option C: Victoria’s Secret knows every Sexy Little Bride wants a piñata at her wedding, but who wants to smack the paper mache donkey in a mask that doesn’t match her gown? VS, always reading our minds!

What to do when room service knocks on the door and you are wearing nothing but your see-through chemise? Why, just put on your matching see-through bathrobe! Proof again that anyone who ever accused Victoria’s Secret of privileging form over function was dead wrong.

This girdle looks awfully familiar. I swear I have it in the color “almost nude” but I think it cost me only $38, not $48 like this white version here. A-ha! A fact-finding mission conducted on the non-bridal shapewear department of the web site reveals that this exact same item, in every color but white, costs $10 less than the “NEW! Bridal Hug Me Tight High Waist Shaper Brief.” Victoria’s Secret, I will forgive your wiliness – business is tough these days.

A black teddy on your wedding night? Must be a glitch on their web site. Ladies, stay away from this one – it will make you look like damaged goods.

Damn! Victoria’s Secret, you are really something. Who knew flesh-toned, butt-shaping bike shorts could be so…seductive? Well, I don’t know about you ladies, but I think I’ve found MY wedding night outfit!


6 Comments on “Snarky Little Bride”

  1. Sarah says:

    “wouldn’t it be better to just get rid of the jiggly bits?” (I probably have to erase these stories from my brain when you get married, don’t I?)

    also, I cannot wait for Wedding Piñata.

  2. skepticbride says:

    Your comments are great at bringing back bad memories. I will check with Marlene the coordinator about the club’s policy on pinatas. They don’t allow confetti, so I’m guessing no pinata. Boo. How bout at the shower?!?!?! That could be our one game!

  3. Mim says:

    Oh, VS… what a love-hate relationship I have with them. One the one hand, all the above. On the other, long inseams, great bathing suits, and bras that fit flawlessly and last forever.

    I think if you can actually summon the energy, strength, and willpower to don that first item, it means the party wasn’t any good, and you’re neither drunk nor exhausted enough.

  4. Sara says:

    Ha! I thought of the exact same story while reading this post. Fond memories…

    Also, you are apparently not the first to think of the wedding pinata (after VS, of course. This one was my favorite:

  5. skepticbride says:

    Mim: agreed!

    Sara: WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? Want! (for the shower)

  6. Rachel W says:

    I heart piñatas!

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