Special Someone is a lucky guy. Come July 30th, he will inherit not only a neurotic wife but two neurotic cats, whom said wife will forever refer to as “his stepchildren.”

Casper is an affable, extroverted neurotic who can be demonic to those who love him most (me). Mary Pat is a skittish, hermitlike neurotic with a constant look of pure terror. Mary Pat is obviously the less charismatic of the two cats, though Casper is the one more likely to end up back at the pound where he came from, especially if he doesn’t cut out this vindictive peeing-on-the-carpet business – and soon.

I believe all of Casper’s recent misbehavior is directed at Special Someone, whom Casper has tolerated and even shown occasional affection toward for quite some time but whose permanence in our lives seems to be a recent and unhappy revelation for this sensitive animal. Special Someone takes Casper’s mom away for sometimes days at a time; Special Someone’s head lays on the pillow where Casper likes to sleep; and Special Someone is not Sanders, my former roommate and Casper’s former best friend. Okay, poor Casper. I am a horrible mother.

Hopefully things will change when we’re all living together as one big happy blended family. Special Someone works from home most of the time, so Casper will have someone to hang out with all day. We’ll probably live in a bigger house with space for an additional litter box AND a new Assistant Scooping Manager (right, Special Someone?). Casper will stop running across the bed at full speed until we wake up and he’ll also stop eating so much he vomits on the carpet four times a week. Isn’t marriage supposed to fix everything that’s wrong with your life???

Anyway, this is a wedding blog, and I keep forgetting to talk about the important things, like hairdos and invitation fonts. So what role do the cats have in our wedding? No, they are not going to stand witness as our maid of honor and best man (although, if that were possible, I would simply die of happiness). Rather, they have become a source of conflict in discussions with my parents about our rehearsal dinner. Usually the groom’s parents take care of this event, although for a number of reasons (all of which are all totally fine!) SS and I are going to host it ourselves at my house. It’s right down the street from the church, so the location is easy, and we’re just going to get some good take-out barbecue, so it’ll be a lot cheaper than dinner for forty people at a Bethesda restaurant.

Sounds fun and casual, right? Except the lingering cat pee odor might ruin the whole night. My parents sort of freaked out about it yesterday, and did not seem reassured by the fact that I have four whole months to conquer the smell once and for all (for all my efforts, the only solution may be to replace the carpet in one particular room). I had to convince them that A) they are not hosting this one, so a feline urine-scented venue would not be a reflection on their taste and B) um, I don’t want our guests to think I live in squalor, either! So it will be taken care of, and that’s my story. I was going somewhere with this, but forgot… inhaling so much ammonia must be causing brain damage.


6 Comments on “Stepkitties”

  1. Sarah says:

    Ell says Casper can live with us until you are all under one roof. 🙂 Lucius might just love to have a buddy.

  2. Mim says:

    Nature’s Miracle.

    That shit is the best.

  3. skepticbride says:

    Sarah: Thanks for the offer – seriously, I’ll think about it. But would it be too much trauma for Lucius to lose another friend once Casper comes back home?

    Mim: DUH! How could I forget NM? Wedding + cat pee fumes = Stupid Diana.

  4. Sandy says:

    I was really his best friend? That’s kinda sad.

  5. skepticbride says:

    Sad but true! He hasn’t gotten over it.

  6. Rebecca says:

    I highly recommend “Stink Free” for that cat urine in the carpet business. I admit I was skeptical of the packaging and bold claims on the hideously designed bottle sitting on the Petco shelf, but it seems to do the trick.

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