BHLDN: Crzy Sht 4 Ur Hd!

Oh BHLDN, you are such a g-ddamn goldmine (gdmn gldmn) that I don’t even know where to begin with this follow-up post. The plan was to focus on the Hair Adornments collection, but when I went to your web site I saw you had added a whole new lingerie department! Like most brides, I aspire to look just like my great great grandmother probably did on her wedding night; also like most brides, I don’t want my “something old” to be a musty pair of bloomers dating back to the McKinley administration. But with a little help from BHLDN, I can look like the 1890s without smelling like the 1890s — see, for instance, the Vanity Table Peignor ($250), Tranquil Morning Knickers ($90), or the Perennial Garter Belt ($70). Okay, I have to admit some of the other items on this site are pretty cute, but who spends $64 on a thong? And don’t let the giant satin butt-bows fool you into thinking that’s a fair price.

Anyway, I did come here to talk about Hair Adornments and that is what I will do – mainly for selfish reasons, since I am still figuring out what to put on my head on my wedding day. My rules so far: no long veils, no birdcage veils (only because I heard they are sooo 2000-late and I want to be a “cool bride”), no headbands, and no bows. Of course, a few months ago I also said I did not want a big wedding with a sit-down dinner at a country club, and look what happened! So I might be willing to bend the rules if the right birdcage comes along. BHLDN, show me what you got!

Oh dear. James Coviello, designer of this veil, took the birdcage motif a bit too literally. Did he really mean for the “knotted velvet starbursts” to resemble trapped doves? I can’t handle the symbolism. Feminist rant commencing in 5…4…3… alright, let’s just move on to this next…babushka?

If I were a rich bride, ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum, I’d pay $160 for some cotton, stick it on my head, if I were a wealthy briiiiiide. The catalog description calls this Dotted Voile Veil “50s-inspired” but somehow I’ve been transported to a shtetl in Tsarist Russia.

Now, why is this model looking so pleased with herself? It can’t be that she’s so happy about posing for awkward senior class photos with the rest of these models. It must be the satisfaction that only a neo-nautical headband — “stunning and wide as the sea, with a striped straw bow and a jaunty rope tie” — can provide.

I’m pretty sure this Swarovski-studded headband is just a repurposed Birds of a Feather Cake Topper from the Decor Collection. Never mind that it is still $160 – what’s more striking to me is the model’s Brontë-esque capelet below that icy blue gaze. She may look fragile, but I wouldn’t want to meet her on the moor on a dark night.

Speaking of fragile. When I first noted this hairpiece is called the “Damselfly Headband,” I thought, “UGH. What a stupid play on words, calling it a damselfly instead of a dragonfly just because it’s bridal attire and everything has to be all girly and sweet.” Boy, was I wrong! Turns out a damselfly is, in fact, a real insect. And I determined after looking at a few pictures of damselflies that this thing is as entymologically correct as any crystal-encrusted hairpiece can be. Conclusion: if I want to wear a giant, realistic-looking-while-also-quite-sparkly bug on my head, I can do that for just $245.

Put on this disco headband (mysteriously named the “baguette halo”) and the only other accessories you’ll need are a slack jaw and unkempt hair. Is she on drugs or is that the face of cold feet? I’m inclined to believe it’s just sticker shock: she’s actually wearing two headbands, and each one sells for $140. Such is the strange world of BHLDN, where we pay hundreds to look completely insane on the alleged most important day of our lives. I manage to look insane on a regular basis for far less than that, thank you very much.  I must admit, though, this Dogwood Flower Hairpin caught my eye for a minute.

Then the price caught my eye: $240. For a barrette. Does the store Claire’s still exist? I am way overdue for a trip there.

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7 Comments on “BHLDN: Crzy Sht 4 Ur Hd!”

  1. Sheena says:

    I was all ready to like this stuff–I don’t think there’s enough “adventure” (or even “interesting”) in bridal fashion, and I did get married in one of those places where everyone just goes to David’s Bridal and calls it a day, but…yeah. This is pretty ridiculous. And what’s with all of those bows on that veil? Why is she wearing a tank top? So many questions!

    Anyway. The people who want this stuff should just go to Etsy. If they’re going to pay to pretend they have a one-of-a-kind bridal fashion, they may as well buy an ACTUAL one-of-a-kind bridal fashion. End rant.

  2. M. says:

    HAHAHAHAH!

    The baguette halo is pretty much my favorite picture ever. The backstory I’m attaching to that photo is she got caught red-handed eating chunks out of the wedding cake after smoking up with someone’s lecherous uncle and the catering staff, during which time – and after a rusty start – she convinced everyone of her former prowess as a gymnast many years ago.

    I agree with the above comment re. Etsy or even AC Moore if you feel like an art project.

    If you want to go the art project route, I have a glue gun and some [mediocre amateurish] sewing skillz…?

  3. M. says:

    Also regarding baguette halo model, three words for you: Mail Order Bride.

  4. I never really could make it past “tranquil morning knickers.” Seriously BHLDN?

  5. Maddy says:

    Diana, I have a request: Can you try to get “style advice, reassurance, second opinions available from BHLDN Stylists” and post the conversation on your blog? I’m very curious how they would ever reassure someone to pay human money for that ropey sea-monstrosity.

  6. Sara says:

    Just FYI, I am going to come to your wedding wearing that damselfly headband. You’ve been warned.

  7. skepticbride says:

    Maddy: I know! I’ve been meaning to do that! Love how they say “reassurance” – “Don’t worry, you won’t look THAT bad.” I will let you know how it goes if I get around to it.

    Sara: I had a suspicion my wedding was going to be AMAZING, now there’s my proof!


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